disappointment

Over the past few months, to say, I've been disappointed, would be an understatement.
I feel like I've run myself into a brick wall, only to back up and run right into it again.
I feel like finding a way out of this pattern gets more complicated each and every day.
I feel like, if and when I do find a way out, I may have forgotten what it feels like to be happy, normal, content.

The hardest part about feeling disappointed, and not being able to fix it, is that 99% of my frustration is because of my job, which I used to think was the job.
The job that I loved.
The job that I was completely thankful for.
The job that made each and every day fun and exciting.
The job that....is no longer any of that.

Each and every day, I feel like I'm getting pulled farther and farther from what I loved about my job, and feeling closer and closer to why I hate my job.
I don't like living my life this way. I don't like feeling let down, disappointed, frustrated. I don't like feeling this way, day in and day out.

Each day, for the past five months, I have been praying. I basically have begged God to fix this for me, which has only made me more frustrated, because he hasn't. At times, I felt as if he was not listening to me. At times, I felt as if he didn't care. All the while, I knew in the back of my mind, He was teaching me something, and he knows that I'm not ready for the "test."

This morning, when I woke, I checked my email on my phone and read my daily devotion. (If you are looking for a great daily devotion, you should check this one out.) Seriously, if it didn't stop me in my tracks. The beginning scripture was
“I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?” (Romans 7:24 MSG)
I was curious at first, Did I write this devotion? Am I dreaming? Am I seeing things? I decided to reread the email when I was done with my shower, when I knew I would be awake.
It still said the same thing!
I read through the devotion shaking my head. I was so grateful and stunned at the same time. I needed this! I needed to read this! I knew this was God speaking directly to me. The fact that I can't change this, I can't change myself. I need Jesus to help me do this changing. I need to continue to pray, and continue to do what God sent me here to do. And when God is ready to show me a new path, road or freeway, He'll show me. Until then, I'll keep telling myself....
“I am sometimes disappointed, but I love my life ... and I must believe that the disappointments contribute something to what I love.” Jan Denise

friendship

their friendship started early.....

before they actualy met.

but they were interested in each other.

diesel was interested in this growing belly....

and pickle would kick and turn every time he heard diesel bark.

it could only mean one thing.....or so we hoped....

we hoped it meant that they were going to have a great friendship....

the first time they met, well, as you can see, we weren't so sure!

it seemed like they would learn to tolerate each other,

that or they just didn't realize the other existed!

the more they spent time together,

the easier it was to see,

their bond is something special.

if ever pickle is sad,

diesel can calm him down.

pickle calms down....immediately when diesel gets near him.

every time diesel comes in the house,

she goes to look for pickle

and always, no matter where he is,

she finds him.

she is so gentle with him.

and so protective of him.

and he giggles at her.

and he loves being near her.

i can't wait to watch their friendship continue to grow.

and i'm sure, we'll be in for some surprises courtesy of the two of them!

on second thought

i so wanted one.....

a brazillian blowout

i mean....look at the before and after pictures

until i found out how much it cost....

umm, maybe not!

a cookie would be nice!

have you ever had a day that some how followed the tune to
if you give a mouse a cookie
you know....
things just keep spiraling off of each other
and before you know it, you are in so over your head....
you aren't sure where to go!

well today is my if you give a mouse a cookie day

case in point....
if you say you're thirsty.....they boy will ask if you want a drink.
if you say yes....the boy will go get you some water.
if the boy goes to get water....something might happen to fall.
if something falls.....something else will break.
if something falls and breaks....if will end up hitting the boy's foot and the floor.
if something breaks when hitting the floor....glass will probably be on the floor.
if glass is on the floor....you'll probably step on it.
if you step on glass....it will probably get stuck in your foot.
if glass get stuck in your foot....you will bleed.
if your foot bleeds....it will get all over the floor.
if blood gets all over the floor.....you will need to mop.
if you begin to mop....the floor will be wet.
if the floor is wet...and you aren't careful, you will fall!

all the while....a very unhappy baby is screaming!

now, if only i had a cookie!

point made

last week, i was excited to pack up my maternity clothes.
i didn't have the easiest of time being pregnant....
so getting these clothes (or the reminder of being pregnant) out of my closet, and out of the house was very welcomed!

i asked flake to take the tote out to the shed.
he made sure he labeled it for me before he took it out.


wait....what is that?!?!

point made
....and heard loud and clear! :)

proud to be an american

i can think of no better way
to say "i'm proud to be an american"
than to have each one of these

i mean really....
if this doesn't show pride,
what does?

work

september 23, 2010
that was the last day i got up,
got dressed
and drove to work

i have not worked since that day

i was written out of work
due to some complications in my pregnancy
not bad complications
but more....annoying complications

it has been 8 weeks since i got up
got dressed
and drove to work
and i can honestly say
i'm missing my little school friends
i miss their sweet voices
their imaginations
their sweet hugs
but i'm super thankful that i am here with my new little friend
my buddy
my pickle!

because i was missing my little friends
i stopped by school this week
i was so excited to introduce my little pickle to my school friends

and they were excited to meet him too! :)

12 days

12 days ago.....
i was sitting in a hospital bed

12 days ago.....
i was not feeling so well

12 days ago.....
i, in fact, was miserable.....

12 days ago.....
i was trying to stay positive

12 days ago.....
i was wondering when my life would change

12 days ago.....
i was trying to watch movies to pass the time

12 days ago.....
i was ignoring my phone with each coming text message, phone call, or facebook post

12 days ago.....
at 4:30ish, the decision was made

and
12 days ago.....
at 5:25p.m.
this little man came into my life


12 days ago.....
my dreams came true, my life changed, and i couldn't have been more thankful!

"got" god

i've always thought it was true....

god is good!

from a very young age

i loved going to church!

it was just part of my life,

being that my daddy was a preacher

most every memory i have as a child revolves around church

and any memory that has to do with church, has to do with god.

as i grew, so did my faith

as my faith grew, my understanding of god grew

i began to understand that some people knew god in a different way than i did.

i began to understand....that was ok.

i began to understand that god works in different ways for different people.

i began to understand....that was ok.

i began to understand that not everyone just "got" god.

i began to understand that spreading the good news of god helped others to "get" him.

over the past few weeks,

i've seen how others were able to "get" god

and that has made me so happy!

when i lived in greenville, i met josh.

he was my neighbor.

he was my friend.

he was in a band.

we had the best time getting to know each other.

i loved spending time with josh and his girlfriend.

i loved hearing his band play.

it quickly became a friendship that i treasured.

my only "issue"

josh didn't "get" god.

he believed there was a god.

however, he didn't believe in organized religion.

i can understand that.

sometimes people get burned by church.

sometimes church becomes more about the people, and less about god.

and i believed that josh was just frustrated by what church had become.

needless to say, i prayed for him.

he also said, he didn't believe in prayer.

he didn't see how it worked.

he didn't see the point.

needless to say, i prayed about that too!

on september 20th, one of the band members, was shot.

(read about it here.....)

two thugs tried to rob the band after a show,

having a gun pulled on them, scott pulled a gun himself.

one of the robbers ended up being killed,

scott was critical for many weeks,

and he has made great strides since that horrible night.

i've been able to keep up with scott's progress through facebook.

a page was set up for prayers.

and a website was set up for help for scott's medical bills.

so many people came together to help scott, and to support the band.

on october 6 at 10:09 pm

josh posted the following status update

"I believe in prayers now. Thanks to everyone. Scott Thomas is the man! love you all"

through such a horrible situation,

god showed himself.

god made himself known,

and if nothing else good came from it

my dear friend "got" it!

and that is more than i could have ever asked for!

back in july,

i found out my best friend's baby might not make it.

robin's baby was not surrounded by amniotic fluid.

sometime during robin's pregnancy,

her placenta had ruptured, which caused her sac to rupture, allowing the fluid to leak.

the doctors gave her and her husband NO HOPE!

each and every doctor's visit, they received grim news.

they heard all the horrible things that their baby was experiencing.

"the baby will not develop kidneys."

"the baby will never develop lungs"

"the baby will never have muscle tone."

"the baby will die during child birth."

"IF the baby makes it though child birth, it will die within minutes."

needless to say, robin was devastated.

she was put on bed rest, and remained on bed rest until last monday morning when their precious baby was born.

their precious baby was a girl.

something they never knew before.

their precious baby made it through childbirth.

something they never thought would happen.

their precious baby had perfectly functioning kidneys.

their baby squeezed robin's finger.

their baby also had lungs.

(small lungs, that need healing, but LUNGS none the less!)

over the past week,

robin has kept me up to date

and i've turned around and kept all the people praying for their precious baby up to date.

(go to the discussion tab on this facebook page)

their baby is a week old.

their baby is a miracle from above.

their baby is bringing so many people together.

i received a message from someone i don't know that said

"Thank you for your updates. I don't know you or Robin, but some one at work told me about baby Mary Ann. I've never been into God. I don't really get it. But after reading all about Mary Ann, it is hard for me not to believe. Last night I said a prayer for Mary Ann. It was the first prayer I've ever said. This little girl is doing more than you will ever know. Thank you."

amazing!

someone else "got" god!

If you aren't already, please pray for both Mary Ann and her family, as well as Scott, his family and the members of the band!

Thank you!

a year....in review

it really has been a year......

actually a year and 12 days since i last wrote on this blog

it wasn't meant to be that way,

it just happened.....

so what has happened over the past year in the life of l.o.v. and flake.....

i know you are dying to know.....so here is a month by month break down!

in september, i wrote this post

it wasn't until october that i found out why i was sick as a dog

and it had something to do with two little babies growing inside me!

yep, flake and i found out we were pregnant,

then we found out we were pregnant with twins

then we found out we may be loosing one of the twins,

but the doctors weren't so sure.....

so they had us wait

november 10th came

we found out for sure

it wasn't our time to be parents

we were broken, sad, yet faithful.

november 11th was the day they took the twins

it was a hard hard day

a day i never ever wanted to relive

a day i just wanted to skip on the calendar from that moment on

thanksgiving came, i struggled to be thankful

emotionally, physically,
things were looking up for both of us.

i got new mittens and mismatched socks,

it helped to make life more colorful and fun!

flake had started a business back in the fall,

and he was making lots of contacts.

i was starting to understand how it felt to be normal again.

we gave gifts to 14 sweet, amazing, needy children at my school.

and all seemed right with the world.

we were thankful for the year we had, we were thankful for the good, the bad, and all the trials that we had, that made us stronger and more ready for a new year!

happy new year

happy new month

happy new pregnancy

yep, found out we were pregnant again

nope didn't feel like it was too early!

totally excited!

totally.....

and then.....

it happened again!

:(

sad, scared, frustrated.....yet faithful!

it wasn't the way i would have started a brand new year,

but it was meant to be!

we had lots of snow,

which means lots of snow days

and lots of mornings at ihop,

cause you know if it snows, you have to eat at ihop!

ahh...the month of love

things are good

well, flake has realized his business isn't working

let's just say.....the economy.....well, isn't the greatest!

like that was news!

twizzlers make me happy!

looking for a job keeps flake busy!

even more snow, even more ihop!

school is keeping me busy.

flake started a new job.

i got sick....and had a weird pain....

headed to the doctor....

you guessed it....PREGNANT....

and at 4weeks 2days pregnant, we saw a perfectly formed, perfectly placed sac via ultrasound.

but.....the pain, was from a cyst that was trying to support the pregnancy, since my body wasn't telling my body to do that.....

got on meds, and saved this baby!

this baby....is due....november 11th....the same day, a year later, that i didn't want to remember. it is god's timing!

it is god's way of making that day a special day!

on march 24, we heard our baby's heartbeat.

this was the first time we had that experience.....

it was AMAZING!

we had a healthy baby,

and we were in love!

we started calling the baby pickle

and all was right with the world!

flake was enjoying his new job.

school was going well for me.

our parents knew we were having a baby.

we found out flake's sister was having a baby too.

how exciting!

we bought a house

and moved out of the apartment

which sadly had turned into the ghetto before our eyes.

turbo moved to a farm.

all was PERFECT!

spring was here,

birds were singing

flake had an awesome month at work

(he is in sales.....so i learned the hard way every month isn't the same!)

my little friends at school were growing and learning so much

and all seemed right with the world.

the end of the school year approached

and my little pickle was growing.

my grandmother got even more sick.

my world started to change before my eyes.

i realized that she would not be here for the rest of my life.

i realized that she might not be here for my child's life.

i realized she would be better off in heaven than here on earth, but i was selfish and not ready for her to leave.

i learned my bestest friend was expecting a baby too!

good....bad.....such is life!

we remembered our babies that should have been born.

we miss them......but we are thankful for our pickle

the end of the school year....

field day

fun

got a call at school that shook my world

pickle's quad screening came back abnormal.

pickle might have a neural tube defect.

panic

ultrasound to make sure

pickle .... barley moved

90 minutes later, we still didn't know if our baby was ok,

90 minutes of looking but not being sure

90 minutes of learning we had a very very stubborn child!

(pickle totally gets that from me!)

another appointment scheduled,

we found out NO neural tube defect

and we were having a BOY!

god was with us!

a month of travel .....

headed to the mountains with great friends

headed to the beach to visit my best friend (who is pregnant)

headed to the outer banks for my brother's wedding (yes to the same bride he married the year before!)

all was perfect!

our baby was growing.

flake had an ok month at work....by far not the greatest!

my grandmother was doing ok, still holding on.

and summer break was going great....HOT but great!

found out that my best friend's pregnancy is going well, her baby isn't surrounded by any fluid, and the doctors think she may loose her baby! i'm sad for her, i'm broken for her, and i want to fix it! i ask everyone i know to pray for her and her precious baby!

flake is still working hard.

sales are going well, but hopeful things will get better.

work starts back for me.

i'm very big....

and quite uncomfortable....

having lots of contractions....and bleeding, but the doctors think pickle is still perfect!

we had our first baby shower, and showered we were.

pickle got lots and lots of great things!

we got to see and spend lots of time with my grandmother.

god is great for allowing her to still be with us.

my best friend's baby is still hanging on, despite what the doctors have thought.

flake turns 30.

it was a great......HOT..... month!

happy labor day.

happy birthday to me.

happy baby shower.

work is going.....

grandmother is still holding on.

best friend's baby ..... still holding on.

pickle is growing, in fact he is measuring big (3 weeks big to be exact!)

doctor signed me out of work.

at 33 weeks.....i still am nauseous every day, vomit a lot (but not daily anymore), struggle to sleep, and struggle to keep my kidneys balanced, not to mention dealing with contractions/bleeding....but all in all, my pregnancy is perfect.

i continue to ask everyone i know to pray for my best friend's baby!

flake is working....all the time!

we thought about our baby we lost, but we were thankful for our pickle.

and here we are....a year later.

flake's sister had her baby, a month early

the precious little girl she brought into the world is a prefect mix of her and her husband!

beautiful!

our precious nephew is dealing with his new status of brother.

flake works....ALL THE TIME!!! (could it be that i'm home all the time, and just miss him, probably?!)

my grandmother is still holding on.

i'm still very VERY pregnant!

my best friend delivered her baby 2 months early

i spend my days off of work, updating the masses of how the miracle baby is doing.

the same baby who the doctors said would not make it through delivery is 5 days old. the same baby that the doctors said would never ever develop lungs, has some holes in her lung tissue, but it is able to heal, as long as she remains stable.

i sit and wait to meet my pickle.

impatiently.....but i sit and wait!

and that is what brought me to blogger again.

i've missed you all!

i've missed the community of friends!

i don't promise to be a good blogger....but i'm back.....