Over the past few months, to say, I've been disappointed, would be an understatement.
I feel like I've run myself into a brick wall, only to back up and run right into it again.
I feel like finding a way out of this pattern gets more complicated each and every day.
I feel like, if and when I do find a way out, I may have forgotten what it feels like to be happy, normal, content.
The hardest part about feeling disappointed, and not being able to fix it, is that 99% of my frustration is because of my job, which I used to think was the job.
The job that I loved.
The job that I was completely thankful for.
The job that made each and every day fun and exciting.
The job that....is no longer any of that.
Each and every day, I feel like I'm getting pulled farther and farther from what I loved about my job, and feeling closer and closer to why I hate my job.
I don't like living my life this way. I don't like feeling let down, disappointed, frustrated. I don't like feeling this way, day in and day out.
Each day, for the past five months, I have been praying. I basically have begged God to fix this for me, which has only made me more frustrated, because he hasn't. At times, I felt as if he was not listening to me. At times, I felt as if he didn't care. All the while, I knew in the back of my mind, He was teaching me something, and he knows that I'm not ready for the "test."
This morning, when I woke, I checked my email on my phone and read my daily devotion. (If you are looking for a great daily devotion, you should check this one out.) Seriously, if it didn't stop me in my tracks. The beginning scripture was
“I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?” (Romans 7:24 MSG)
I was curious at first, Did I write this devotion? Am I dreaming? Am I seeing things? I decided to reread the email when I was done with my shower, when I knew I would be awake.
It still said the same thing!
I read through the devotion shaking my head. I was so grateful and stunned at the same time. I needed this! I needed to read this! I knew this was God speaking directly to me. The fact that I can't change this, I can't change myself. I need Jesus to help me do this changing. I need to continue to pray, and continue to do what God sent me here to do. And when God is ready to show me a new path, road or freeway, He'll show me. Until then, I'll keep telling myself....
“I am sometimes disappointed, but I love my life ... and I must believe that the disappointments contribute something to what I love.” Jan Denise